so much to say, and so little time. my husband and my son are both ill. i spent the majority of the night taking care of the little one. if i got 5 hours of sleep i'd be amazed. but that's motherhood for you right? especially if your significant other doesn't seem to have the stomach for the lesser joys of parenting...

when i die and go to heaven, i hope i can smoke. i think my idea of bliss in the afterlife is tobacco with no harmful side-effects. 3 packs a day, (or whatever will pass for a day when you're dead) and i'll still be in perfect health and smell like peaches. i like the smell of peaches, or rather the synthetic equivalent. i hate real peaches. they smell like...well, i won't say what i really think they smell like, but fake peach scent? ranks right up there with vanilla and gasoline. and there were so many interesting smells at work yesterday. day 3 of non-smokerhood: you can smell better. none of this is new, mind you - i've done it before, but this time i am so less dedicated to the idea of quitting. less ferverent. it's like stopping sleeping with your stuffed animal because you don't want the guy you've just started spending the night with to think you're a total freak. ...unless YOU didn't sleep with a stuffed cat named socks up until you were 18. then for you it would be something different.

i am envious of people who act. they get to do everything magnified, right? every emotion is turned up. i wish i could live like that. i want more passion in my life. not sex- passion, just the intensity. i'd like to do everything completely over the top, as if i were christopher lowell, but not so damn annoying. like when you listen to a song, there's people who just sing, and it's fine, but then there are the ones who actually FEEL it, and you can hear it in their voice, their guts being wrenched and the agony or joy or what have you...that is what i want out of life. cigarettes without cancer, and gut-wrenching everything 24-7. am i asking for too much?

and i could keep going too...but alas, duty calls. i'm going home to play nurse. merry christmas, sweeties. you know i love ya. ~smooch~