Okay, here goes...

I'm going to write about something that I've generally left unsaid here until now: my divorce. I didn't discuss it because I wasn't certain exactly who was reading here (Hello, my 4 friends! Hello, possible strangers!) and I felt uncomfortable, among other things, but that I'll get to later. Now I'm thinking, hey, this is my blog, right? This is where I can say what I want and how I feel and not have to feel badly about it, right? So here goes...

I sent the papers off on Tuesday. I'd had them for about two months. For a long time they sat untouched in their envelope. I looked thwem over now and then, filled in some of the blanks, and then went back to ignoring them. I was afraid to finish them, because being finished with them meant I would have to take the next logical step - notifying my husband that they existed, and they'd be headed his way.

I have tons of guilt over the end of my marriage, but that's the subject of another post. Maybe several. It ended suddenly and abruptly and in a way that I am not proud of. I was the one that initiated the separation, and I'm the one getting the paperwork going. I want this to be over, so that there's closure and no more unfinished business hanging overhead. I'm one step closer to that, and it feels good.

Telling him the papers were coming was the hardest part. I guess he knew it was coming sooner or later, and to his credit, he handled the news as well as anyone possibly could have given the situation. I was afraid to bring it up - I have the hardest time doing or saying things that I percieve to be hurtful to someone else. Maybe it if wasn't so damn hard for me to work up the nerve, I could have saved he and I a lot of unhappiness. But I am improving. I'm working hard not to hide behind the same old excuses. So I told him, and then I sent them. The relief that I felt afterwards, I can't even begin to explain. Everything that comes after this, filing and court-mandated courses and more paperwork - it will be easy. Telling him was the worst part.