happy new year. guess i'll start exercising as my new year's resloution, though i put very little stock in that crap. i've already quit smoking sweet delicious cigarettes (i'm not quite to the point where the smell makes me want to vomit yet) and it's not as though i have any other serious issues. what i'd really love is to be able to take a class on either yoga or tai chi chuan, but that costs money and i'm way too uptight to spend it. maybe i'll ask for that for my birthday. get me some inner peace.

song you should download: Emmett Swimming - You're So Pretty. I love this band, me and three other people. they've got this twang that sometimes can sound like the smiths...horrible, how these great bands go completely unnoticed.

you are worthless: "You are really messed up. Yes, it's true that everyobdy is messed up to a certain extent. But you are a lot more messed up than other people."

(thank you craig, for that outpouring of genuine emotion. i'm touched.)

it's a new day, and i have to go do my last day of work for a few weeks. this sucks. not the not-working part so much, but the part where i can't see some of the people i work with. ~laughs~ almost everyone there has 2 jobs - the one that pays the bills, and the barnes and noble one. it pays crap, but we all love it. weeks without frank and jeffrey and elizabeth...dammit. i made frank feel bad yesterday, which brings me to another thought.
*some of you may assume that i am stupid. this is not the case. my sense of humor is a bit off, and i'm far too sarcastic, but i have never been an idiot. talk down to me like one and you won't be talking to me again.*
i just needed to clear the air. personalities and people aren't easily explained with mere words. you'd think so, but they just don't go far enough. my point is that what you think you know isn't necessarily the whole story. in fact, why don't you just take that and apply it to every person you know. there! now you know you know nothing, and that's the way it should be.

song you should download: The Toadies - I burn. this song makes me want to do bad bad things, but in a good way.

you are worthless: "Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for all eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it."

weeks of constant bitching have paid off. my computer has been returned to me. i am at peace.

song you should download: anything by Radiohead's Kid A. it's not noise. it's beautiful.

you are worthless (my new favorite book. it's a joke, i'm not soulless here): it is better to have loved and lost than to have hot needles slowly driven into your eyeballs.

i have a gift for sticking my foot in my mouth sometimes. okay, a lot of the time. so in advance, if i ever say something stupid and careless that hurts you, i'm sorry. we make certain assumptions, based on knowledge we've accumulated in our lives, but sometimes we're wrong...

ha! it wasn't me, it was nasty people who broke my blogger. all is well...aside from the fact that i don't have my computer. who saw that one coming, huh? anyway, i'll get it pretty damn soon, and while i am infinitely sorry that i am not online right now when you all are, after this weekend i'll be taking a month or so off of work due to my husband having to work lots of over ime, so i'll be around. try to live without me for just a little while longer, okay? and i know, it's agony, you don't think you'll make it...just try. (that's sarcasm, just so you know.)

know who i miss? i miss vat. (by the way, big fat snowflakes outside right now. i doubt they'll stick, but it cheers me to no end just to see them right now.)
anyway. i miss vat. he was perpetually happy, and aside from being a good rp'er, he was just a great all around guy. dan knows what i'm talking about. i hope he's having a good christmas.
blah. i'll get to this later...
Ho Ho Ho.

And by the way, the comments thingy works again. feel free...

IT'S SNOWING!

and yes, i did a little dance around my house when i saw it. someone loves me.

what is it about this time of year? it seems to push people to extremes. bad season for the bi-polar. i'm sitting here with my tasty coffee (you non-coffee drinkers are heathens and you WILL be punished), killing time before i get in the shower, and i'm thinking. last weekend before christmas? i'm gonna be so tired by the point i come home. but helping people keeps me busy, instead of me standing at the info desk and using the computer to order far too many cd's. everyone listen to pete yorn. folksy but current. i love it.and if you know me well enough, you know it has to have a few good whiny depressing songs on there. i AM only happy when it rains. oh, and the smashing pumpkins greatest hits is worth picking up too. such a good band. pity billy got all full of himself, but he's bald, so i forgive him. i picked up "The Redemption of Althalus" by Eddings (jake, i swear i tried, but i couldn't find the first book in any of the other series at the moment - the point is, i said i'd read and i will, i am, even) and its not too bad. not quite "Office Yoga", but...i'm very good at the tree position, i'll have you know. i'm small, i'm still fairly flexible, and since life is far too hectic for me to get to doctor wong and i want to relax, i'll just manage a bit of uncomfortable stretches. if only i could find a class where moms bring their kids...and i've got to start learning massage as well. good for my marriage. thank god i can get this stuff at work. of course, after next weekend barnes and noble will be taking a break while kris works his ass off. i'll miss it. i love my job, but things are how they are, and i know i'll go back eventually. at least i'll have a computer to pour my anxiety into. and you guys. lots of anxiety coming your way, or maybe just bubbly happiness, whatever's up at the moment. i'm honestly such an up person - but i know enough not to spout sunshine all day. i know those people, i hate those people, i'm more of a silent optimist.
i think i'm done. off to spread holiday cheer to the masses while distributing literature and enriching lives and singing along loudly (yes, i CAN sing, thank you) to the christmas carols. gonna go slap on my make-up and get civilized. love ya. ~smooches~

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. -Rumi

hmmph. went to all the trouble of getting my computer back (for the time being anyhow, it's still a bit odd but i know i'll be on till x-mas anyhow, then after that it may temporarily get a bit more odd, but everything will be sussed out in due time. just ignore me...) and none of you are here. i am vastly disappointed. course, none of you know this, and you're probably doing stuff for the holidays, and i'm just bitter and old and in need of therapy or mind-altering substances , but this is rapidly becoming a really long run-on sentance, and to hell with it.

i will forgo my normal bitching about nicotine, snow, and christmas because it's repetitive and no one cares. the agony of being me, right? so ho ho ho, you guys have fun and i hope you get lots of expensive stuff and warm fuzzies.

p.s. - lots of love for naomi and jake, because they're both going offline for a while and who knows when i'll see them. both of you take very good care of yourselves. ~bundle~

so, dan thinks i'm short...well, you sir, are fat and unattractive. so there. i'd say something else, but putting it here instead of on msn seems to lose some of its charm. dan, you are like the little brother i never had who i would constantly be trying to beat the shit out of but would fail becuase you are so much bigger than me. but i'm awfully squirmy, and i'm known to climb on people's backs and bite, so you never know. maybe i'd do some damage.

there's no snow here. this breaks my heart. i can't have christmas in one week with no snow - it's a farce. i don't think i can have christmas without my family either, but i'm trying it that way this year. ~sigh~ also, NO FUCKING CIGARETTES. damn.

i want to know, are any of you guys happy? i mean really happy. not just surface "i got a new such and such and it has temporarily filled the gaping hole inside" happy. is anyone ever really happy? wait...i've just gone through my whole chain of thought here, and god dammit it's all just gonna end up being about buddism and achieving nirvana or whatever. that sucks. i'm not deep. with that disappointing insight, i'm gonna go find some more terry prachett to read. i love those silly english. wanna just give em noogies. i'm still waiting for the gut-wrenching too. everything i want is slow in coming...

so much to say, and so little time. my husband and my son are both ill. i spent the majority of the night taking care of the little one. if i got 5 hours of sleep i'd be amazed. but that's motherhood for you right? especially if your significant other doesn't seem to have the stomach for the lesser joys of parenting...

when i die and go to heaven, i hope i can smoke. i think my idea of bliss in the afterlife is tobacco with no harmful side-effects. 3 packs a day, (or whatever will pass for a day when you're dead) and i'll still be in perfect health and smell like peaches. i like the smell of peaches, or rather the synthetic equivalent. i hate real peaches. they smell like...well, i won't say what i really think they smell like, but fake peach scent? ranks right up there with vanilla and gasoline. and there were so many interesting smells at work yesterday. day 3 of non-smokerhood: you can smell better. none of this is new, mind you - i've done it before, but this time i am so less dedicated to the idea of quitting. less ferverent. it's like stopping sleeping with your stuffed animal because you don't want the guy you've just started spending the night with to think you're a total freak. ...unless YOU didn't sleep with a stuffed cat named socks up until you were 18. then for you it would be something different.

i am envious of people who act. they get to do everything magnified, right? every emotion is turned up. i wish i could live like that. i want more passion in my life. not sex- passion, just the intensity. i'd like to do everything completely over the top, as if i were christopher lowell, but not so damn annoying. like when you listen to a song, there's people who just sing, and it's fine, but then there are the ones who actually FEEL it, and you can hear it in their voice, their guts being wrenched and the agony or joy or what have you...that is what i want out of life. cigarettes without cancer, and gut-wrenching everything 24-7. am i asking for too much?

and i could keep going too...but alas, duty calls. i'm going home to play nurse. merry christmas, sweeties. you know i love ya. ~smooch~

typical, something on this page not working properly. so i'm home, i'm settled right back into my cozy little routine, nothing is really any different - except that oh god i want a cigarette, sorta anyhow - am i disappointed? nah... you know how you go away for awhile on vacation or what have you, and when you finally come home everything that has been there forever somehow seems new? it was like that. plus, i cleaned everything, and that always makes me feel good, a nice disenfected home. i got an e-mail from matt, and my heart nearly stopped. the boy knows how to work his computer for something other than downloading simpsons episodes! now i feel guilt for the crappy e-mail i sent. but my computer should be up and running before x-mas (maybe not even that long) so i'll make it up. that or i'll just send him a link here, because i have to be efficent with my time in the public library with the boy. so matt, if you're bothering to read this... ~waves furiously~ tell kelly i said hello. and when the hell did dan get so cute? was it when he cut his hair? ~grins~ can't believe i never hit on him... but this is beside the point. it was good to see you. kris told me the other day he used to be jealous of you. (it's cause i tied you to that tree, lol) he always thought of you as ultra-cool guy...how wrong was he? i told him you were a sorry ass loser now, and he changed his mind. i'm teasing, of course. kris would love to see you, if only to have someone to smoke out with. maybe we'll make our way back there sometime soon and hit the pub. there's tons of stuff i'd go into, but i'm out of time...love you guys. take care!

p.s. - i will not apologize for liking alanis morrisette's first album.

andrew wasn't here when i came back. damn me for getting drunk at matt's house...~grins~ but he made me lots of white russians, and he's my best friend since 1st grade, so it's okay, right? at least i turned down the weed. i'm not that girl anymore. ~sigh~ this post will be so horrible, when i look back at it sober and see what i've done...

actually, i guess i don't have time for more drunken posting. coffee w/matt @7:15 before i leave town. that means i should go pass out. ~blows kisses~ love you. bye for now.

And you're fading away - now you disappear
And I try to focus, but I can't see clear
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I can't see... now in front of my face.

Can't See (Useless) by Oingo Boingo is the best damn song...if you like depressing. and it seems i'm the only one. huh...

i'm going home tomorrow. i can't or shouldn't put it off any longer. i like home, i miss it, but it just doesn't compare to being HOME, with your family and being taken care of. who'd give that up if they didn't have to? ~sighs~ being able to get online has been nice, but until we get this new whatever, at least i can get here and to my e-mail at the library. (stuffie77@yahoo.com - huge hint.)

i'll miss being able to see everyone i call my friends. sometimes it feels like our relationships are a little shallow...i want to know you better, and i wish you could know me. unfortunately, there's only so much that translates over a keyboard, and we're all different people on different days anyway. sometimes i want to bring you close, sometimes i want to strangle you...for what it's worth, i love you all, as much as you can love people who are and aren't strangers. you all bring something into my life that wasn't there before you and is noticibly lacking without you. hmm - could this be any sappier? i'm going to wash my car...

...and death is to begin, caress, i think it's a sin...

andrew.

andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew.

~grins~ more on this later. on another note, i want to say thank you to craig, who helps fix the things i screw up. you sir, are a good good man, and when you get to the u.s. i will buy you a nice "i love america" shirt or something. maybe a bumper sticker...something cheap, yet heartfelt. because nothing is too good for my friend craig.

full of good intentions and bad ideas...that's me.

i know i'll hear about me posting another song on here... ~points sternly at craig~ ...but if this doesn't describe all of us rp junkies, then i don't know what does. that being said, enjoy.

OUT OF THIS WORLD

WHEN WE LOOK BACK AT IT ALL AS I KNOW WE WILL
YOU AND ME, WIDE EYED
I WONDER...
WILL WE REALLY REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS TO BE THIS ALIVE?

AND I KNOW WE HAVE TO GO
I REALIZE WE ONLY GET TO STAY SO LONG
ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO REAL LIVES
WHERE WE BELONG
WHERE WE BELONG
WHERE WE BELONG

WHEN WE THINK BACK TO ALL THIS AND I'M SURE WE WILL
ME AND YOU, HERE AND NOW
WILL WE FORGET THE WAY IT REALLY IS
WHY IT FEELS LIKE THIS AND HOW?

AND WE ALWAYS HAVE TO GO I REALIZE
WE ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE
ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO REAL LIVES

BUT REAL LIVES ARE THE REASON WHY
WE WANT TO LIVE ANOTHER LIFE
WE WANT TO FEEL ANOTHER TIME
ANOTHER TIME...

yeah ANOTHER TIME

to feel another time...

WHEN WE LOOK BACK AT IT ALL AS I KNOW WE WILL
YOU AND ME, WIDE EYED
I WONDER...
WILL WE REALLY REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS TO BE THIS ALIVE?

AND I KNOW WE HAVE TO GO
I REALIZE WE ALWAYS HAVE TO TURN AWAY
ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO REAL LIVES

BUT REAL LIVES ARE WHY WE STAY
FOR ANOTHER DREAM
ANOTHER DAY
FOR ANOTHER WORLD
ANOTHER WAY
FOR ANOTHER WAY...

ONE LAST TIME BEFORE IT'S OVER
ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE END
ONE LAST TIME BEFORE IT'S TIME TO GO AGAIN...

things are rough all over. more later.