Terminal Optimism

What a week.

2009-08-13T10:09:00.004-05:00

Wow. On this day last week, about 30 people, the majority of whom I've worked with every day for the past 5 years were shown the door. While not completely unexpected, it was sudden and jarring. Then, those of us ho hadn't been laid-off went through about 5 days of stress while we waited to find out if we'd still have jobs. All in all, it's not a week I'd care to repeat.

But on the bright side, I ordered my books, switched a class, and am ready to be a student again in two weeks. I saw awesome meteors during the Perseid meteor shower with my son and my guy. My mom will be here in a week for extended girl time, and when it's over I don't have to pack up and move into her basement. things aren't perfect, but they're getting better.

Finally!

2009-08-05T15:55:00.003-05:00

Good news: Got my award letter, and I'm finally registered for 2 classes starting late this month. Online Associate of Liberal Arts degree, here I come. It'll likely take me 3 years or more studying part-time while I continue to work, but it's better than the alternative. I'm excited, and it's the first step on a long path that ends with me having a more enjoyable career and a better salary.

Not-so-good news: Don't get to keep leftover grant money from the government. That's a downer. I could have used it, since I'm close to 3 grand down thanks to an ex who did not make paying child support or loans and bills from the marriage a priority. It's amazing to me that I can survive and support my son on what is very literally less than half of his monthly salary, while he is so broke that he can barely make ends meet. Of course, I have been strict and responsible with my money because my son and I's comfort and stability depend on it. He apparently attempted to plug the void in his life by throwing money at it, and is now in dire financial straits. I'm not going to comment on his reasons, though I'm sure he had many. Whatever they were, they don't excuse irresponsibility with money that leads to nonpayment of child support.

Phew! I got a little more in-depth there than I intended to. Strong feelings there, which I don't address too much here.

Bad news: Today, I don't have any! (Knock on wood.) I really could use a positive turn in my life now, because things have been extremely difficult these past few months. I've cried and freaked out and I am only still here and stable thanks to a select handful of good friends and one fantastic guy who I may just finally start to write about here. He deserves mentions.

Wait; I got preoccupied and forgot to start the 100 pushups challenge! That's bad-ish news, right? I'll have to wait until next week to begin. I have my heart set on this being a M-W-F thing.

Oops.

2009-07-28T10:02:00.002-05:00

So the whole month went by and I didn't post. Sorry, I've been busy! Trying to register for school (pain in the ass, not going as well as I'd hoped), balancing work and home and everything else that goes with it has been a bit much. I can't wait for things to become slightly more manageable. I feel like I've been saying that for the last year and a half, and I probably have. Someday it's gonna happen!

I'm starting the 100 Pushups Challenge. Mainly to see if I can do it. I think I can. I think the most difficult aspect will be not giving up midway.

My birthday was pretty excellent, which you will already know if we're friends on Facebook or Twitter. Enjoy this slideshow of images from the evening that someone else took: Circus of the Damned Slideshow

I've been watching True Blood Season 1. Vampires make such good tv. (Still slowly working my way through Buffy with my guy. We're up to Season 3.) I don't get Showtime, so aside from going to a friend's house to watch the first two episodes, I hadn't seen the show. I love it so far. I saw pictures of Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer with baby penguins at Sea World or some nonsense. He was wearing a Mr. Messy shirt. What a darling man he is. I've still got the last two episodes to watch, so don't spoil anything for me.

My mom will be here with me for two weeks soon. I'm excited, I will have tons of girl time, she can teach me some recipes, we can go to Valleyfair, I can have a date night!! These are all good things. I can't wait.

I think I covered everything recent here, give or take... I'll be back later if I think of anything more.

June Wrap-up

2009-07-01T10:06:00.002-05:00

I saw Transformers: RotF. It was rad. I can't understand the outpouring of hate. It isn't going to win any awards, and some of the jokes/characters/plot was questionable, I'll grant you. But it's a summer blockbuster, for crap's sake. Lower your damn expectations, assholes. Optimus Prime rules hard.

The wedding is over, finally. It was lovely, and I was very glad to be part of it. But thankfully it is now something I can cross off my list as finished, and the various needs associated with it as well. I'm sure the happy couple feel the same way. I'll post a picture or two here when I come across them. Just not the one Luke took, as I purposely made an unattractive face and as a result look terrible in.

Michael Jackson died. Some other people too. Huh.

I was able to go out a while back (A free evening! Amazing!), and saw some good bands (Angels On Acid, Soulless Affection), perused the wares of the fetish vendors on hand. Someone, I won't name names, bought me a collar and a Wartenberg Wheel! I still haven't had a chance to experience it firsthand, but I'm looking forward to it. I picked up a small pair of clamps myself, and I like them just as much as I thought I would.

Tonight is Music in Plymouth, which I went to last year with Rueben and enjoyed. This year I'm taking my two favorite boys in the whole world along with a picnic dinner. I'm really looking forward to it. I like to be entertained for free. Plus, fireworks!!

Today is a sad day.

2009-06-24T12:34:00.003-05:00

I put VHS, my betta, in a baggie and stuck him in the freezer. He was still alive, but I couldn't stand to see him lay there limp at the bottom of the tank. This way he will go to sleep and that will be less awful than dying a slow, drawn out death. He couldn't have lived much longer anyway, he wasn't eating anymore. I am sad. I wish I would have been able to get him healthy again.

Dear Elderly Gentleman,

2009-06-17T11:07:00.002-05:00

I think it's great that you exercise. I think everyone should take, at minimum, a marginal interest in their physical fitness. I don't mind that you came into the workout room while I was using it. Sure, the door was closed, but I don't see any problem with sharing the space with someone else. If we were paying to use a gym, there'd be people everywhere, right? It's even fine that you hopped onto the treadmill, which I would have been on had you entered the room 90 seconds later. I adapted, and all was well. Mostly. Here's my problem.

The treadmill is located right next to the elliptical, which I was using. It's a small room, there's no help for it. I had turned on the available fan to keep me from overheating, as I get all sweaty otherwise. It was positioned in such a way to be right in front of you, but blowing on me. Still, not a big deal. But you were coughing. A lot. And you weren't covering your mouth. Basically, whatever germs you were spewing into the air were being blown directly into my face by the fan, as if being in that small enclosed space weren't enough for me to pick up any airborne anythings. Are you sick? Do you have some sort of upper respiratory thing? Swine flu? Cause I don't want to catch it. This is Polite Behavior 101 here. You cover your mouth your you cough onto your arm or something. You don't just lower your head and hack.

Please consider this in the future when we are exercising at the same time. In all other respects, you seem to be an alright guy.

Sincerely,
Me

Status Update 6/10

2009-06-10T12:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, so the diet has been going on for a week. I've lost 3 pounds so far. I feel good, I think that is a respectable number. Things went downhill there for while, but I am back to exercise and regular whatnot.

I did the dress thing last Saturday, and it is lovely, if I do say so myself. Next I need to get it cleaned and hemmed. The dress is longer than I am tall. I am excited! I have never been a bridesmaid. I was a flower girl at my uncle's wedding, but I was probably 6 or 7 at the time. I'm looking forward to this.

Work is the same steady grind, but my company is getting some publicity. You can watch a story about us tonight on ABC World News Tonight, or read this article that's in the latest edition of Newsweek: The Battle Over the Battle of Fallujah.

As for everything else? Well, things are pretty good. I could use more money, for sure. But I'm squeaking by, so I'll count it as a blessing. SYTYCD is on tonight, and a friend is coming by to watch, after being bribed with food. The weekend is practically here, and I plan on cozying up with my 360 and playing some games. Plus, I have a whole mess of cookie dough I can eat. Awesome/Not Awesome? I say awesome.

~Tap tap~ Is this thing on?

2009-06-01T20:20:00.002-05:00

So, what have I been up to, you ask? Oh, the usual things. Work, home, family, friends. Money is still an issue - when isn't it? At least I'm not alone in it. Money is an issue for just about everyone these days. I'm enrolling in online classes, going back to school to get my degree. Trying to erase the debt I have left and get into the black. Working to help my son with his ADHD more. Exercising. Getting ready to start a super-diet tomorrow. Gonna be a bridesmaid in two friend's wedding in a few weeks, I want to look good. Things aren't fixed yet; it's going to take years. But I feel good about having a plan, being on the path to making my life and my son's better. It's too bad I didn't win that $220 million powerball last week. That would have fixed everything.

Another hiccup in my hosting.

2009-03-31T10:24:00.002-05:00

Switching to a new host. The one I was with before sucked, but I stuck with them as they had been giving me free hosting for 2 or 3 years. Not for lack of me trying to pay, mind you. Not my fault if they stop responding to all forms of contact. Anyway, I hope to have it all sorted out soon.

Because it looked fun.

2009-03-20T10:22:00.002-05:00

Using ONLY SONG TITLES from ONE artist, answer these questions:

Pick a band/artist: Nine Inch Nails

1. Are you a male or female: The New Flesh

2. Describe yourself: God Given

3. How do you feel about yourself: Ruiner

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Help Me I Am in Hell

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: Happiness in Slavery

6. Describe your current location: Right Where It Belongs

7. Describe where you want to be: A Warm Place

8. My best friends are: Somewhat Damaged

9. Your favorite color is: In This Twilight

10. You know that: The Way Out Is Through

11. What�s the weather like: Suck

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? Self Destruction, Final

13. What is life to you: The Beginning of the End

14. What is the best advice you have been given: Love Is Not Enough

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Sin

Another sporadic update follows.

2009-03-12T11:08:00.002-05:00

I'm much better with the Twitter - which I have now added to the sidebar. That way, it'll be like regular updates, sorta.

The happier tone of my previous post is gone. I still feel better about my life today. I'm still happy about the direction in which I want to take things, and the people I'm choosing to surround myself with. All is well on that front. It's the things I can't control that are getting to me.

See, it's like this. I work the front desk at a video game company. While it's a super fun job, it's still a receptionist/ office manager/ assistant role. It doesn't pay enough on its own to cover all the expenses I have. The Twin Cities are an expensive place to live. I'd relied on child support from my ex to supplement that income and help me pay for child care and so on. Unfortunately for me, my ex got laid off, and now I can't count on funds from him to help pay for my son's needs.

I don't know when he'll find work again, all I know is that my financial situation was difficult enough to begin with, and this has just made it even worse. Lest you think I spend friviously, let me assure you that there is nothing extravagant in my daily routine or my monthly budget. I'd gotten into a bad situation last year with a month of daycare that I had to pay drop-in rates for when I hadn't planned on having to pay for it at all, and that cascaded into a financial clusterfuck for me. I've been working hard for the last 6 months to get back on my feet after that disaster, and this was the month that was finally starting to look better for me. I was going to be saving money again, instead of spending every cent I made trying to keep my head above water. Now, instead of saving, I'll be spending everything I make and then some, trying to keep my head above water while my ex looks for work.

I'm sure I know what some of you are thinking: Why not just cut your losses? My mom has offered to let me move back in with her. I could live in her basement and find a new job in a more affordable area, start life over. Except that sucks. I like my job. I've been here for several years. I have good things like accrued time off, flexible work hours, health insurance for my son and I. So no, leaving is not a real option. Why give up a steady income for no income at all? Why drag my son away from the only place he's ever felt like is home, and all his friends and everything he knows? No. I'm not leaving. This is where I want to be.

I went from a position of being able to shake off my debt once and for all to being even deeper in debt than I was before in the span of two days. I'm so pissed off and frustrated and I feel helpless, because all of this is completely beyond my control. The only way now for me to right my life is to depend upon my ex to find work again, and I have no idea when that could happen. Arrgh... I'm just so upset. Tired of having the bottom drop out from under me.

2009-02-09T10:37:00.002-06:00

I am continuing to learn how to be myself. It's a process.

I spent so many years being trying to be things I wasn't meant to be. For a while, I tried to fit the mold I felt I was supposed to; mother, wife, adult. I felt like these new roles required something different, that I had to leave behind who I was to be these new people. It took too many years of unhappiness to realize that I could be all of these things and still stay true to myself.

While life is nowhere near perfect, I feel so much better about myself now. I have concerns about the future, but I'm not plagued by self-doubt. It's an amazing thing to start to develop some confidence after being so convinced of your own inferiority. I have the support of friends and family, and I feel things are possible.

2009-01-23T11:20:00.002-06:00

Marriage is bullshit.

Allow me to elaborate.

In general, I dislike the notion of marriage. My perspective on many varying subjects has changed over the course of time, particularly in the last year. My willingness to live my life according to archaic rules of conduct has diminished.

Marriage is fast becoming an irrelevant institution, as far as I am concerned. First of all, while I don't reject the idea out of hand, I certainly do not require a church/state sanctioned relationship. I do not need a piece of paper or a data entry to validate my commitment to another human being. I will make my relationships meaningful through my own actions. If I should decide they are no longer in my best interests, I will dissolve them accordingly, which will be relatively simple as compared to legal processes.

Who wants that kind of entanglement anyway? Why bind yourself to someone in such a way? If the relationship is strong enough, it will hold itself together of its own accord. Getting married reeks of desperation. People often get married for two reasons, in my observation: so they're not alone, or to hold on to something they already feel slipping away. Settling for an okay marriage is hardly something to pat yourself on the back for.

To be continued...

And to all things...

2009-01-13T10:30:00.002-06:00

Monday morning I went to the Family Justice Center. I sat in the lobby and read a book until a woman came and called my name. It took about 7 minutes, all told. I sat down in a chair, a little dazed to be in a courtroom and trying to remember how I was supposed to act. I said yes a lot and no once or twice, and that was it. My divorce was granted.

I had expected to feel something. Relief, at reaching the end of this road. The lifting of a burden. Instead, I felt... strange. Disconnected. Perhaps I was expecting a hearing more in line with what I'm used to seeing on tv. Maybe it was my complete confusion as to where to go, what to say and do, and the rush of the hearing itself. The courthouse was running late, and was trying to speed things along as quickly as they could. Or maybe I've already come to terms with the end of my marriage, and this was a formality. It's hard to pinpoint, but as the day went on I was able to shake off the confusion.

It's a strange thing. My marriage ended yesterday, though it will not be recognized as legal until I receive a copy of my papers in the mail and mail a set to my ex. (My ex - it may take me a while to wrap my head around this new title.) Today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. I never once celebrated my anniversary while I was married, so I don't feel that today holds any significance, other than to mark the passage of time. That sentence alone may describe better than anything else why my marriage is over.

What the hell happened?

2008-12-24T15:47:00.002-06:00

Number of miles I drove on I-80 in Iowa: Appx. 50
Number of vehicles I saw in ditches: 24
Number of vehicles that were semis: 2
Number of vehicles that were flipped over: 2 1/2

The one half is what appeared to be the roof and side panels of a conversion van. Something else was beside it. I really couldn't tell, I went by too quickly.

Note: This number may not be indicative of actual total, as the ditches to either side of the road were often deep, and cars could have been hidden entirely from view.

On other news, I got my domain back! You may have noticed that for a while, I was advertising for apartments in Chicago. This is because my domain expires every year on 11/28. This year that just happened to be the day after Thanksgiving, I got distracted, and I lost my domain for a while. Too much money got it back for me, and I'll be more careful in the future. I've had this domain for years. At least 4. I'm not giving it up, dammit. Not until I'm ready.

On a final note, tomorrow is Christmas. I hope everyone reading this is safe and warm and surrounded by family, friends and loved ones. Merry Christmas!

REPO! opens tomorrow night!

2008-11-06T16:23:00.002-06:00

Go out and support this ridiculously awesome movie!

For showings in your area: Repo Road Tour

Repo on Myspace

Watch the trailer:

Yes We Can

2008-11-04T23:30:00.002-06:00

At the risk of being overly sentimental - every now and then, something happens that reaffirms my belief in the goodness of humanity. Tonight was again confirmation that people can change, that bigotry and hatred can be cast aside, and we can and will strive for something better. I am so proud to have seen this day, and I am eager to see where we will go from here.

Did you?

2008-11-04T11:15:00.002-06:00

If you haven't yet, get out there and do it.

Halloweeeeeeeeeen!!!

2008-11-03T10:21:00.002-06:00

I had the busiest weekend. From work on Friday, I grabbed my son and took him out trick-or-treating with some friends. From there, it was off to Ground Zero. So much fun on Halloween! The club was crawling with people. We met an awesome flamboyant pirate and his friend who had pole moves that would make any stripper jealous. James met a nice young lady who was friends with Kim and Jaime. Interesting to see where that ends up.

4 hours of sleep that night and another 2 hour nap after I brought the boy back home, and then my mom showed up, and the remainder of my weekend was spent tearing down furniture and putting new stuff up, reorganizing, cleaning the apartment, laundry, grocery shopping... I didn't stop until after 9 at night. I have all the aches and pains to go along with my back-breaking labor, and now I need a long nap and a nice massage. Or a nice soak in a hot tub.

How I view the current financial crisis.

2008-10-13T16:57:00.006-05:00

Via Superpoop.

Take On Me: The Literal Version

2008-10-09T10:40:00.000-05:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

THE TOADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-08T14:09:00.003-05:00

I am so excited.

The Toadies reunited, put out a new album, and are playing here on October 21st and i am going.

This may be of no consequence to you, but i have loved this band since I first heard them in... 1994. I have been waiting to see them live for that long. This is gonna rule so hard.

V.P. Debate, tonight at 8.

2008-10-02T10:43:00.002-05:00

Will you be watching?

I didn't make it but 30 minutes through the first Obama/ McCain debate. That's because I was playing this drinking game, and my god! I listened to the rest of the debate later on NPR, and I'm glad I stalled out when I did - alcohol poisoning was in my future, had I soldiered on.

Tonight will be more serene. A single drink, if any are to be had at all. It is a Thursday, after all. I'm going to be watching and waiting and hoping that Sarah Palin blows it big time, but my feeling is that the whole affair will be very carefully controlled and unremarkable. To everyone else watching with me, enjoy.

It was glorious.

2008-09-25T14:21:00.003-05:00

I have just returned from Red Robin, where I consumed the Royal Red Robin burger. (Photo via this guy on Flickr - thank you, good sir!) Here is how Red Robin describes the burger on their menu:

"This is the aristocrat of all burgers because we crown it with a fresh fried egg. Also, topped with three strips of hickory-smoked bacon, American cheese, crisp lettuce, tomatoes and mayo."

I got mine with no tomato. Red Robin has a customizer on their website, which will tell you the nutritional value of your food - a Royal with no tomato clocks in at 1186 calories.

1186 calories.

That is just the burger. Adding in the steak fries? 1,576. The brownie sundae, which I shared and ended up eating very little of, is not on their website, so I have not included this in my calorie count.

I totally expect to suffer for this later. In fact, toward the end of the burger, the massive amount of grease was already taking its toll. But oh, that first few bites... it was beautiful, I tell you.

I Don't Like Mondays

2008-09-22T10:10:00.000-05:00